Dear Abby

If you're anything like any of my other friends, you're just about to ring me with your tale of woe. Before you do that, see below for some specifically tailored advice:

(Copy and paste into an e-mail/im chat window)

I have strong feelings for you. I believe that things could work out between us. I want you for more than just your sexual prowess/cool job/hot car/dvd collection/stunning good looks/fat wallet (delete as appropriate) and I'm prepared to do whatever it takes to prove it to you.

I'm sorry for running over your cat/telling your mother about that thing you did when you were 5/not having sex with you often enough/hitting on your best friend/drinking too much/working too hard (delete as appropriate). I may not have been acting like the best boyfriend/girlfriend in the world, but I'm willing to try harder. Here's a dozen long-stem red roses/a diamond ring/some movie tickets/a new car to make it up to you.

Let's hump now.

Like I said- specifically tailored.

P.S. I got the crossword out again today, and it's not even Thursday. Rounds of applause will be accepted.