The Original Jemima Jemima
There is a limited amount of material from the original Jemima Jemima that I can legitimately post here. Anything that is freely postable is below. Anything that isn't, is gone...
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Tuesday, September 19, 2006
Count up those notches, boys...
I was talking to a friend of mine the other day and he was telling me about a work incident which I thought was worth blogging about...
Recently, my friend went back to visit the company that he used to work for. He found that nothing had changed and that the boss (in the style of bosses the world over) was still a dickhead. But here's the blogworthy bit- my friend says to me: "But I don't care, because I fucked his secretary..."
Need I say more?
posted by Jemima @ 7:47 PM
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Sunday, September 10, 2006
hey you! that's my computer, eh?
Ever come back to your desk and some strange person is using your computer as if it were there own? But what if they go
through your IE history and discover you've been surfing all those gambling/pornographic/non-work related websites? (Or in my case, they decide to check out "http://jemima-jemima.blogspot.com", have a sudden surge of intellect and then figure it out.... I realised the other day when the IT boy was on my computer by remote access [and checking my history], that Jemima Jemima just sounds way too much like Jenna Jameson for people to not be curious.) I know.
So I've been thinking long and hard about what I can do to stop people using my computer. There are lots of different, small ways you can do this, including things like, changing your cursor and taskbar location (already done, natch), and setting your left and right mouse buttons to "left-handed". But, this weekend, with the help of a good friend of mine, I've come up with a pretty awesome idea. (Okay, so it was his idea, but details, schmetails...) Detailed instructions, boys and girls, are listed below. Leave your money in the hat by the door.
Step One: If you have customised your desktop in any way, reset it. ie: ensure that you have a boring windows-esque wallpaper, move your taskbar back to the bottom of the screen, take it off auto-hide, and ensure your My Computer and Recycle Bin icons are visible.
Step Two: Take a screen capture of your plain-arse desktop.
Step Three: Move your task bar to the top of the screen and set it to auto-hide (no one will think to look for it at the top.)
Step Four: Make a new folder (leave it titled "untitled folder" so it's innocent) and move all of your desktop icons into it. Or better still, just get rid of all your desktop icons, altogether.
Step Five: Set your desktop wallpaper as the screen capture that you took in Step Two, and ensure it's set to "Fit to Screen" rather than "Tiled".
If this isn't just fucking brilliant- I don't know what is. Enjoy.
posted by Jemima @ 9:31 PM
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Wednesday, September 06, 2006
Can you think of anything better to do in the bathroom?
This event is surely in the running for the funniest thing that will happen all day.
I go to the bathroom, (as one does, after they drink coffee)... and a man walks in. Now normally, I'm all for men walking into the bathroom whilst I'm in there, but I couldn't quite summon the requisite feelings, following this:
Him: Is there anyone in here? [he can't see me because i'm in a cubicle around the corner]
Me: uhhh... yeah.
Him: I just need to replace the soap
Me: uhhh... ok...
Him: (singing loudly) Soap, soap, soap, just replacing the soap (lots of loud whistling)
Me: [in cubicle, trying v hard not to piss myself laughing. (Although, in the event that I do piss myself, I guess I'm in the right place.)]
Needless to say, I have to wait until he goes before I can walk out. Ten minutes later, writing this post, I'm still laughing.
posted by Jemima @ 10:35 AM
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Wednesday, August 23, 2006
turns out Dawn can do most of it anyway...
Someone said to me recently, that "Jemima" would make a good character for "The Office", which, if you weren't already aware, is one of my favourite tv shows. But I had to say: "Yeah, but this is my life... Jemima is me... it's not a tv show...."
Sad, isn't it?
thanks JB
posted by Jemima @ 5:15 PM
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Wednesday, August 16, 2006
Don't bother doing any real work- just pretend
Are you listening closely?
Step one: Set up your document holder with some handwritten sheets of paper in it.
Step two: Take your dictaphone headphones and plug them into your computer (the plug will fit- trust me.)
Step three: Listen to music or download some podcasts to listen to.
Step four: Type e-mails to your friends or chat on MSN.
Step five: Glance at the document holder every so often whilst typing.
Brilliance.
posted by Jemima @ 1:39 PM
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Monday, August 07, 2006
The curse of intelligence
No, really- wouldn't it be nice to be stupid for a while? Then I could get someone intelligent to do all my work, because I was just too stupid to do it myself. And still get paid. And then I could sit at work and do nothing all day.
Oh wait- I already do nothing all day...
posted by Jemima @ 4:55 PM
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Sounds like someone has a case of the Mondays...
I've had a big weekend- by anyone's standards. I'm nearly going to tell you that it's nice to come back to work for a rest... but I wouldn't go that far.
It's always possible to feel optimistic on a Monday, wouldn't you say? Not that I ever do- I just think it's definitely possible. I mean, one could easily think (with two full rested days behind them) that Monday was going to be the day that they were going to start being conscientious. Stop playing mind games with their colleagues. Be nice to their boss. Be a team player. Stop finding problems and look for solutions. Try harder. And all of that...
...
Ok- well I gave it a good shot, but I'm still not inspired. Guess I'll go back to procastinating...
posted by Jemima @ 9:15 AM
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Wednesday, August 02, 2006
The one-oh-nine
If you know what the one-oh-nine is, then you’ll know what I’m talking about (and if not, like- omg, learn2google!*)
First(ly) there is always, always an abundance of “I’m so much cooler than you” school children. By this, I mean the type that actually believe that their lives are that much more interesting that yours. They feel obliged to share important facts, such as whether they have finished their geography homework, what they had for dinner last night and when the last time they tongued their bf was. Absolutely thrilling, let me assure you. Of course, perhaps if they spoke at just a couple of decibels lower, I wouldn’t be privy to this insightful and life-changing information. Just a thought, kids.
Second(ly), there is the homeless dude. Yes, I feel sorry for him, but is there really a need to shout obscenities at absolutely everyone? Especially when I am trying to read an intellectually stimulating book/listen to music/compose blog entries/do the cryptic/generally mind my own business and would dearly like some peace and quiet.
But (I feel obliged to mention, in order that I am seen to be unbiased on the subject) just occasionally, there are moments of greatness on the one-oh-nine. Take this morning for example- I spied a pair of tall, pale blue Doc Marten boots in an op shop window (hey, they would have been the height of coolness when I was 14.) And I’m seriously contemplating going back to see if they’re my size...
*a tribute to my dad- thanks for reading my blog :)
posted by Jemima @ 11:21 AM
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Sunday, July 30, 2006
The great injustice of being a secretary
It just occurred to me today... (ok, so maybe there is something even if it IS the weekend) that the benefits of being a secretary, actually aren't all that great. I mean, we get to do all the shit jobs ("Jemima, can you listen whilst I ramble ceaselessly on the dictaphone, work out what the fuck I'm saying, turn it into a meaningful piece of correspondence, correct all of my bad grammar and then send it to a client- thanks" AND we're expected to look good doing it.
When I wake up in the morning, do I get to choose between Bettina or Satch? No... (Just as an aside, I've noticed IT guys get to wear whatever they want- what's with that? Anyone know how I can achieve the mufty status of an IT guy?) I get to choose between a pant suit or a skirt suit, heels or tasteful flats, red lipstick or brown, a french roll or a ponytail. Now if I was the CEO or something, I guess I could understand- I mean I'd receive sufficient compensation for looking good, right? But I'm a secretary, for fuck's sake. I mean, I file all day- what's with the need to dress up, eh?
But there is a reason of course- and I know what it is. It's so that our SDS-suffering executives can play "my secretary is cuter than yours"....
posted by Jemima @ 6:15 PM
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Tuesday, September 19, 2006
Count up those notches, boys...
I was talking to a friend of mine the other day and he was telling me about a work incident which I thought was worth blogging about...
Recently, my friend went back to visit the company that he used to work for. He found that nothing had changed and that the boss (in the style of bosses the world over) was still a dickhead. But here's the blogworthy bit- my friend says to me: "But I don't care, because I fucked his secretary..."
Need I say more?
posted by Jemima @ 7:47 PM
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sunday, September 10, 2006
hey you! that's my computer, eh?
Ever come back to your desk and some strange person is using your computer as if it were there own? But what if they go
through your IE history and discover you've been surfing all those gambling/pornographic/non-work related websites? (Or in my case, they decide to check out "http://jemima-jemima.blogspot.com", have a sudden surge of intellect and then figure it out.... I realised the other day when the IT boy was on my computer by remote access [and checking my history], that Jemima Jemima just sounds way too much like Jenna Jameson for people to not be curious.) I know.
So I've been thinking long and hard about what I can do to stop people using my computer. There are lots of different, small ways you can do this, including things like, changing your cursor and taskbar location (already done, natch), and setting your left and right mouse buttons to "left-handed". But, this weekend, with the help of a good friend of mine, I've come up with a pretty awesome idea. (Okay, so it was his idea, but details, schmetails...) Detailed instructions, boys and girls, are listed below. Leave your money in the hat by the door.
Step One: If you have customised your desktop in any way, reset it. ie: ensure that you have a boring windows-esque wallpaper, move your taskbar back to the bottom of the screen, take it off auto-hide, and ensure your My Computer and Recycle Bin icons are visible.
Step Two: Take a screen capture of your plain-arse desktop.
Step Three: Move your task bar to the top of the screen and set it to auto-hide (no one will think to look for it at the top.)
Step Four: Make a new folder (leave it titled "untitled folder" so it's innocent) and move all of your desktop icons into it. Or better still, just get rid of all your desktop icons, altogether.
Step Five: Set your desktop wallpaper as the screen capture that you took in Step Two, and ensure it's set to "Fit to Screen" rather than "Tiled".
If this isn't just fucking brilliant- I don't know what is. Enjoy.
posted by Jemima @ 9:31 PM
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Wednesday, September 06, 2006
Can you think of anything better to do in the bathroom?
This event is surely in the running for the funniest thing that will happen all day.
I go to the bathroom, (as one does, after they drink coffee)... and a man walks in. Now normally, I'm all for men walking into the bathroom whilst I'm in there, but I couldn't quite summon the requisite feelings, following this:
Him: Is there anyone in here? [he can't see me because i'm in a cubicle around the corner]
Me: uhhh... yeah.
Him: I just need to replace the soap
Me: uhhh... ok...
Him: (singing loudly) Soap, soap, soap, just replacing the soap (lots of loud whistling)
Me: [in cubicle, trying v hard not to piss myself laughing. (Although, in the event that I do piss myself, I guess I'm in the right place.)]
Needless to say, I have to wait until he goes before I can walk out. Ten minutes later, writing this post, I'm still laughing.
posted by Jemima @ 10:35 AM
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Wednesday, August 23, 2006
turns out Dawn can do most of it anyway...
Someone said to me recently, that "Jemima" would make a good character for "The Office", which, if you weren't already aware, is one of my favourite tv shows. But I had to say: "Yeah, but this is my life... Jemima is me... it's not a tv show...."
Sad, isn't it?
thanks JB
posted by Jemima @ 5:15 PM
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Wednesday, August 16, 2006
Don't bother doing any real work- just pretend
Are you listening closely?
Step one: Set up your document holder with some handwritten sheets of paper in it.
Step two: Take your dictaphone headphones and plug them into your computer (the plug will fit- trust me.)
Step three: Listen to music or download some podcasts to listen to.
Step four: Type e-mails to your friends or chat on MSN.
Step five: Glance at the document holder every so often whilst typing.
Brilliance.
posted by Jemima @ 1:39 PM
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Monday, August 07, 2006
The curse of intelligence
No, really- wouldn't it be nice to be stupid for a while? Then I could get someone intelligent to do all my work, because I was just too stupid to do it myself. And still get paid. And then I could sit at work and do nothing all day.
Oh wait- I already do nothing all day...
posted by Jemima @ 4:55 PM
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Sounds like someone has a case of the Mondays...
I've had a big weekend- by anyone's standards. I'm nearly going to tell you that it's nice to come back to work for a rest... but I wouldn't go that far.
It's always possible to feel optimistic on a Monday, wouldn't you say? Not that I ever do- I just think it's definitely possible. I mean, one could easily think (with two full rested days behind them) that Monday was going to be the day that they were going to start being conscientious. Stop playing mind games with their colleagues. Be nice to their boss. Be a team player. Stop finding problems and look for solutions. Try harder. And all of that...
...
Ok- well I gave it a good shot, but I'm still not inspired. Guess I'll go back to procastinating...
posted by Jemima @ 9:15 AM
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Wednesday, August 02, 2006
The one-oh-nine
If you know what the one-oh-nine is, then you’ll know what I’m talking about (and if not, like- omg, learn2google!*)
First(ly) there is always, always an abundance of “I’m so much cooler than you” school children. By this, I mean the type that actually believe that their lives are that much more interesting that yours. They feel obliged to share important facts, such as whether they have finished their geography homework, what they had for dinner last night and when the last time they tongued their bf was. Absolutely thrilling, let me assure you. Of course, perhaps if they spoke at just a couple of decibels lower, I wouldn’t be privy to this insightful and life-changing information. Just a thought, kids.
Second(ly), there is the homeless dude. Yes, I feel sorry for him, but is there really a need to shout obscenities at absolutely everyone? Especially when I am trying to read an intellectually stimulating book/listen to music/compose blog entries/do the cryptic/generally mind my own business and would dearly like some peace and quiet.
But (I feel obliged to mention, in order that I am seen to be unbiased on the subject) just occasionally, there are moments of greatness on the one-oh-nine. Take this morning for example- I spied a pair of tall, pale blue Doc Marten boots in an op shop window (hey, they would have been the height of coolness when I was 14.) And I’m seriously contemplating going back to see if they’re my size...
*a tribute to my dad- thanks for reading my blog :)
posted by Jemima @ 11:21 AM
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Sunday, July 30, 2006
The great injustice of being a secretary
It just occurred to me today... (ok, so maybe there is something even if it IS the weekend) that the benefits of being a secretary, actually aren't all that great. I mean, we get to do all the shit jobs ("Jemima, can you listen whilst I ramble ceaselessly on the dictaphone, work out what the fuck I'm saying, turn it into a meaningful piece of correspondence, correct all of my bad grammar and then send it to a client- thanks" AND we're expected to look good doing it.
When I wake up in the morning, do I get to choose between Bettina or Satch? No... (Just as an aside, I've noticed IT guys get to wear whatever they want- what's with that? Anyone know how I can achieve the mufty status of an IT guy?) I get to choose between a pant suit or a skirt suit, heels or tasteful flats, red lipstick or brown, a french roll or a ponytail. Now if I was the CEO or something, I guess I could understand- I mean I'd receive sufficient compensation for looking good, right? But I'm a secretary, for fuck's sake. I mean, I file all day- what's with the need to dress up, eh?
But there is a reason of course- and I know what it is. It's so that our SDS-suffering executives can play "my secretary is cuter than yours"....
posted by Jemima @ 6:15 PM
posted by Jemima @ 7:02 am
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